What is an American?

This kid pissed me off. I was on Yahoo! answers, and he posted this:

Essay ideas for "What is an American"?

is "an american can be or have any race, any skin tone, any religion" good.
if so or if not please give me more ideas to win this contest!
thank you all !!!!!!!:-)

I sure hope this kid meant to be ironical. Cheating to help him win a contest! Ugh! How American can you get? Plus, I hate the illiteracy that's spreading virus-like through the internet. It's like stupidity is catching.
So I started writing. He'd just put it up, and I wanted to be the first answerer. By the time I'd finished writing, there were four or five other answers up. But mine's by far the best, no matter what gets voted as the "best answer"
My answer:
An American is someone who claims citizenship of the Unitied States of America, either by virtue of being born in the country or having gone through a legal process that grants certain rights as a citizen upon that person.

What does being an American mean? It means belonging to one of the most influential cultures in the world. It means that traveling abroad entails defending your country's economy, morals, politicians, and practices to people who know the map of the USA better than our schoolchildren do. It means graduating from the one of the poorest-rated public school systems in the developed world. It means Starbucks and McDonalds and Wal-Mart have taken over the world. It means that one hundred billion is no longer a small number, it's a fraction of our national debt. It means setting an example for the rest of the world, because when someone sees an American, they see a stereotype. It means oil and imports and consumerism, South Beach diet and Dr. Phil and Hollywood.

It also means hope. Millions of people come to America every year for a chance, for a job, for family, or the freedom to express themselves that was limited in their home country. Legally or illegally, they heed the summons cradled in the Statue of Liberty's arms. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses struggling to break free..." It means that 231 years ago a bunch of old fat white men signed a document that said we would no longer lie down for someone else's boot across their necks, that they dreamed of a country where they could choose how and where to live, and their children could choose, and their children's children would have food and clothing and a safe place to live. It means that generations later, there's still room for improvement.

What does it mean to you? Does it mean that every summer you get to watch fireworks and listen to marching songs? Does it mean that you have to worry that the dark-skinned foreign man is going to kill you? Does it mean that you can post ungrammatical pictures of cats on the internet? Does it mean that one day, you'll go to college and get a job and a house and two cars and 2.5 children and a golden retriever? Does it mean something to you that those things are listed in that order? Does it mean that your parents paid more for your computer than half the world makes in a year? Does it mean that you are so uninspired by this question that you have to ask other people to help you win a contest?
Do you know what it means to be an American?