Hey, Hello, How are you?

You know that thing, where someone has a speech pattern, and they've always been doing it, and then you hear it, and it really starts to irritate you? Like this girl I know who always speaks in sentence fragments, with like questions in the middle of the sentence?

My mom does it. She always answers the phone in the same way. "Hey, Hello, How are you?" My sister pointed it out. Now I hear it all the time.

I do it too. When I'm waiting tables, I can't help it. "Is there anything else I can get for you right now?" I say it every time I leave the table. Every time! If I don't say it, I feel really awkward walking away.

There are certain phrases that now make me grit my teeth when I hear them. "The fact of the matter is..." and "Regardless of the fact that..."

Those are irritating. They sound redundant and they're pointless. They're placeholders while someone composes their thoughts. It's weird how repetitive people get about these things. "The fact" and "regardless of" are two things that my friend Beth absolutely needs when she's making a point. She literally cannot make a speech about her opinion on any subject without doing it.

That kind of thing makes me wonder, what kind of basis in an evolutionary sense does this have? Is it like social mores, where established practices of society dictate your actions? (yes, I checked wikipedia to make sure I was using this properly) Like among certain groups of people that use "fuck" as a noun, adjective and invective.

Ok, return to point after exploring wikipedia for about ten minutes. I've never seen a study of the reasons why someone would use these filler phrases in conversation. Is it just that we get in the habit of saying things a certain way?

Gotta go, Phone's ringing.

"Hey, hello, how are you?"

Well what do I do now?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I may have confused ladder-sydnrome. A few years ago I was introduced to an internet theory that girls have two ladders of friendship, and guys have one. That's all I really want to summarize. I'll wait while you look it up. Go ahead.

Okay. So my problem is this. Everyone I meet is on the 'friends' ladder. I treat them (some of them) like they're on the other one. But in my head, there's only the one ladder. And it's the wrong one.

Guys think I'm interesting, or intriguing, or mysterious, and I think I'm just joking around with my friends. I've never got an ulterior motive (except in certain situations where I get all competitive with Beth, and that's a different story) When they start asking for time alone with me, I get dodgy. It makes me uncomfortable.

I don't know why. I guess it makes me feel guilty, like I've led them on. I didn't intend to. I feel like I've promised them something they're not getting, like the person they think they're talking to isn't actually what I meant to be.

And now you, J.

J's been asking me out for a while but I've blown him off so far. I've managed to squirm my way out of it, ignoring his texts and being all "oh I didn't see it" when really I just didn't want to answer. And a lot of them were instances just like that, where I get one where I'm at work or asleep or something, and then I look at my phone and I've received three in a row, variations of the following. "Look, I understand if you don't want to talk to me, i just like talking to you and would appreciate if you'd talk to me back" then "Oh I'm sorry, I'm just a little clingy"

I'm paraphrasing, but you get the drift. It's what I was reading into the text messages.

Then, last night I get the following. "I'm sorry I'm pourin stuff out over text and facebook. I get nervous and go into goofy mode when I'm around u, and it dosen't help that we're usually drunkish." At least he uses (mostly) good grammar in texts.

I was still at work, and didn't check my phone until about an hour later, when I see that and one sent twenty minutes ago: "If u just want to be friends, I'll be sad but I'll get over it."

I'm in the middle of a reply: "Look, I can only say it straight out, I don't feel the same way about. I can't handle you pushing yourself on me." I see this guy once every week, or two, in a big group of all our friends. I can't fathom the kind of attachment he seems to have formed to me. I'm debating over whether to send it when I get this one, interrupting me.

"Fuck it. I want you. Plain and simple, and in every way that implies. I'm tired of this shy bullshit"

Ten minutes later: "If I see you again, I'm planting one on you. I know there exists something between us, and I'm going to show you why"

I haven't replied.

Later, I did show his texts to a roomful of drunk people, knowing what reaction I would get out of them. Then I did the same thing to the Internet. Why on earth does this guy want me?